|The Many-Faceted Bigfoot|
Anyone who visits cryptozoology and Bigfoot forums has most likely read hundreds of differing opinions about Bigfoot (perhaps even offering a few of their own) accompanied by a fair amount of speculation; what it is, what it does, how smart it is, etc. I am, of course, referring to opinions that support the existence of Bigfoot. A good number of those opinions can be what I’ll call, (contrary to the usual claims), “unscientific”, or to be more frank; pure nonsense. Now, just to be clear, I’m not implying that all supportive opinion about Bigfoot is nonsense. To the contrary, there is a great deal of sensible opinion that supports the existence of Bigfoot; nevertheless, though certain opinion sensibly supports the existence of Bigfoot, there is not a single shred of irrefutable evidence that, in turn, sensibly supports the opinion. Still, nearly everyone who offers sensible opinion acknowledges that it is simply that; opinion. On the other hand, almost all of those that push nonsense opinion to support, or command a belief in, Bigfoot’s existence insist that it is not opinion at all, but claim instead that it is obvious fact. Yet we—the skeptics, doubters, and fence sitters—know it is not even remotely close to obvious fact … obviously.
In this article, I highlight some of the nonsense opinions, speculation, and claims about Bigfoot, if for no other reason than to simply show how entertaining it can all be. Due to the nature of the article, I have taken liberties with parody, satire, exaggeration, and photoshopping for purposes of embellishment, but I nevertheless stay true to all I have learned and observed from the more "eccentric" Bigfoot believers.
Without further introduction, allow me to introduce you to the bizarre, many-faceted Bigfoot.
Bigfoot with its myriad amazing abilities has mystified and baffled the believers for many years. According to numerous [completely unverifiable] claims, vast amounts of [eccentric] speculation, and the testimony of hundreds of [questionable] eye witnesses, Bigfoot is the most physically, mentally, and psychically amazing creature on the face of this planet. This includes those that are said to live beneath the surface of the planet, as well as those that—according to a handful of folks—live in the center of what they are quite sure is a hollow Earth. With its exhaustive arsenal of paranormal abilities which it employs with unparalleled strength (which is pretty easy to do considering that no one can prove that they themselves have paranormal abilities of any kind), it is no wonder that such a creature is beyond belief.
Bigfoot can run like a horse (or faster according to some claims), leap like a grasshopper, scream like a banshee, walk without making a sound (despite weighing up to half a ton), blend like a chameleon, snap trees and thick branches like twigs, effortlessly throw large stones and small boulders, see distances more clearly than a man with powerful binoculars, sense human presence miles away, foretell the future, communicate telepathically, hobnob with extraterrestrials, vanish without a trace, and even travel into other dimensions at will.
Those are just some of Bigfoot’s many astounding abilities. Let us look more closely (or laugh more hardily) at this many faceted phenomenon that blazes with so much incredible speculation. Read on and see if you don’t agree that no other earthly creature could ever be more masterful … or more amusing.
Bigfoot the Wizard
Let us begin with Bigfoot the wizard; a creature that can inexplicably instill fear into dogs so that they are unwilling to catch it and humans so that they are reluctant and unable to pursue it. Many will say that it is not inexplicable at all, but that it is most likely, (though some will say “obviously”) super powerful pheromones that create a scent of fear that effects all other living creatures.
Not so, Joe.
All research done on pheromones thus far shows that evolution has created a system to give “alarm”, but nothing that directly instills “fear”. Even then, the pheromones only work with conspecifics; which is to say, within the same species. The “alert” or “warning” pheromones don’t always send creatures scurrying for safety; sometimes they cause the creatures to become aggressive. Though there is no evidence that humans react to a hypothetical “scent of fear”, they nevertheless “sense” fear in certain situations, and like many creatures in nature, will also become aggressive (especially if carrying a firearm); which means that instead of running from Bigfoot (as so many claim is inevitable), they would more likely face it and fire away. A sense of survival is proven to be much stronger than the reluctance to kill something that bears such a strong resemblance to human form, if one feels threatened by fear.
There was some testing done at the Ludwig-Boltzmann-Institute for Urban Ethology at the Institute of Anthropology/University of Vienna on human females who, while viewing “terrifying” films showed an increase in cortisol levels, but the resulting scent indicated a presence of fear; it did not instill fear. Nor were the test subjects able to discern between the fear and non fear scents; they were only able to barely determine that the scents were different.
Unless Bigfoot is a biological exception to the rule (and I’m sure that some people will insist that it is) it does not and cannot exude “fear” pheromones. Even if it did, science shows that it would not be effective on heterospecifics (species differing from its own). People who testify of overwhelming fear when they believe Bigfoot is close by or watching them are likely afraid of nothing more than their own imaginations.
The Bigfoot pheromone theory is scientifically incorrect and not possible, but if we apply the more popular “make it up as you go along” method, Bigfoot the wizard can exude an aura of fear that science is unable to explain; a paranormal ability to emanate “fear vibes” toward a possible threat. Or perhaps it employs mind control over all other creatures, making them only think they’re afraid so that they turn and flee. It might even use that mind control to have a little fun:
“Clem, let’s get out of here, I’m awful scared, and my whole body’s a-shakin’, and no matter how hard I try, I just can’t stop it.”
“Alright Jeb, we best skedaddle. But first I have this strange and uncontrollable urge to give you a cow-bellerin’ wedgie that’ll make you walk funny for a week.”
Along with its paranormal ability to instill fear, Bigfoot the wizard can foretell certain futures by communicating with the Earth so that it may avoid Nature’s fury; which is why we have never been able to find bodies after volcanic eruptions, devastating floods, ravaging storms, etc.
While this is admittedly not without possibility, considering the undeniable nervousness of many animals preceding a natural disaster, it is nonetheless an unlikely possibility for a creature purported to be so much more like a man than an ape. It is also unlikely that it would escape the area of potential disaster undetected.
Humans can also predict natural disasters with the assistance of science. Scientists knew Mount St. Helens was going to erupt for a good long while before it occurred. The entire area was under constant surveillance for weeks, so a big hairy hominid moving away from the volcano unseen would have been nearly impossible.
Ah, but I’m forgetting Bigfoot the wizard’s ability to become invisible at will. That would, of course, easily explain how it can move about and escape disasters completely unseen. I mean, duh!
And I would be amiss if I failed to mention that Bigfoot the wizard can also shape change into other animals, even those that fly (yes, a few people actually believe this), so that they do not have to be concerned about avoiding detection.
There are other magical attributes that can be credited to Bigfoot the wizard (according to nonsense opinions, speculation, and claims), but they can also be applied to other strange facets of the creature, and I would like to bring them up in later sections so that I do not belabor this section with too many of them.
Suffice it to say, Bigfoot the wizard is an incredible creature of great magic that is highly capable of avoiding human contact if it so wishes. The next time you see a couple of people in the woods, and one of them is walking funny after receiving a crippling wedgie, you’ll know that Bigfoot the wizard was there.
Bigfoot the Extraterrestrial
While reading what many people had to say about Bigfoot the extraterrestrial, it quickly became obvious that there are almost as many types of extraterrestrial hairy hominids as there are people who believe they exist. Generally though, they fall into two main categories: Bigfoot is an extraterrestrial visitor with technology far advanced over our own, or they are creatures brought here by extraterrestrial visitors that possess a far advanced technology.
A handful of people who claim that Bigfoot is an intelligence from a planet far more advanced than our own also claim that they know this because they communicate with the big hairy alien telepathically. While most of my information about Bigfoot the extraterrestrial comes from internet forums, I had the (what I’ll call) opportunity to encounter a woman in Los Angeles that strongly insisted that she was an emissary for the otherworldly creatures. She was basically “announcing” herself at Alondra Park, which is located next to El Camino College. It was in January of ’83. I was staying with a friend in Gardena who had business at the college. I decided to stroll through the park, while he took care of his business, and heard a woman speaking to a small crowd near the duck pond. She was an overweight, well-dressed, unattractive woman who looked to be middle-aged. As I joined the crowd, she was claiming that she was the only emissary on Earth and that anyone else who also claimed to be one was crazy or a liar or both. It was later in her rant that I learned she was claiming to be a representative of Bigfoot the extraterrestrial.
The incident occurred so long ago, that I don’t remember much of what the woman said. I was more amused than interested and therefore anticipated entertainment, not enlightenment; so I didn’t take mental notes. She gave the extraterrestrial Bigfoot and their planet a name, and stated their reasons for being here; none of which come back to me, save that they were going to make the world a better place. Mostly I remember her repeatedly telling everyone who stopped to listen, that she was chosen because she was “above” everyone else, and that we should all follow and obey her before it was too late. What I remember most of all was her suddenly swooning and cooing like a little girl who thinks she’s in love and stating that the extraterrestrial Bigfoot leader contacted her telepathically to let her know that she would be his queen to rule over all mankind. She also preached a bit about the horrors of the world, and how it would all change. More than twenty years have passed since she gave her warning in the park, and she’s still not the queen of the world, so I’m assuming the courtship is a fairly lengthy one.
I wouldn’t go so far as to say that the woman in Alondra Park is typical of everyone who claims to communicate telepathically with Bigfoot the extraterrestrial (or any other kind of Bigfoot, for that matter), but, after reading a good many forum entries by similar individuals, I believe I can safely state—metaphorically speaking—that they all basically live on the same block; or at least in the same neighborhood.
There are a good many believers that don’t claim to communicate telepathically (or otherwise) with Bigfoot, but apparently don’t believe communication is necessary to see that Bigfoot’s extraterrestrial origins are obvious. Despite their lack of communication, they are nonetheless inexplicably able to offer a variety of reasons for its presence here on Earth:
I could go on, but the list is as endless as the imagination is wacky. Suffice it to say, Bigfoot is from outer space. I confess that I haven’t read anything about most or all of our scientific and technological achievements being taken from Bigfoot, but I’m pretty sure someone has written it somewhere. Perhaps the woman at Alondra Park has it written in some secret diary. It’s a shame she never became queen of the world to make it a better place. But then again, it might still happen. I’ll let you all know if I get a wedding invitation.
- They came, or were sent to be the guardians of mankind against other hostile extraterrestrials.
- An alien race planted us here, and Bigfoot is what they use to monitor our progress.
- Mankind has abused this planet long enough, so Bigfoot (who has always been peaceful and taken good care of its own planet) was sent here by an advanced alien race to take our place before we go on to muck up the universe as well.
- Millions of years ago, the Bigfoot planet was dying, so a select group was chosen to make a one way trip to Earth to colonize it, but then (with Bigfoot’s help) man evolved and pushed Bigfoot into hiding. There are several versions to this scenario depending on which science fiction book one has read.
- Aliens placed (or evolved) Bigfoot and mankind together on this planet, which they prepared for us, as a social experiment. The exact reason for the experiment seems to be unknown.
- Bigfoot’s spacecraft crash landed on Earth [a long time ago], and they’ve been trying to find a way off our planet ever since without being detected by man. A reason was not given for remaining undetected. Perhaps Bigfoot has a “Prime Directive”.
- Bigfoot is actually the result of experiments gone wrong on people who were abducted by aliens, after which they were “programmed” to hide so we wouldn’t see them.
Let us move on to Bigfoot the cyborg; a cybernetic Sasquatch which I will hereafter refer to as cysquatch, simply because I think it sounds kind of cool. I have only heard this idea proposed by one person, who presented it as absolute fact. Cysquatch is my term, he used “bionic robot” to describe the “actual” Bigfoot. He posted his cysquatch claim in an obscure little forum at one of those do-it-yourself sites that I found near the end of a Google list when I was searching for “weird Bigfoot”; he admitted that his story would sound weird. As far as I know, he only posted once, but I was so amused by his claim, that I just had to include it in this article.
It has been a few years since I read about the cysquatch idea, and I attempted to relocate the forum for this article, but (not remembering its name—if it’s still around) I was unsuccessful, so I’m sure I won’t be able to relate the gentleman’s claim with complete accuracy. Though I cannot remember the forum’s name or all the details, I recall the poster calling himself ‘Bionic Brain’.
BB (as I’ll call him) claimed that a far advanced ancient race of people on Earth created cysquatch, and then mysteriously vanished, leaving behind only the slightest traces of their existence. BB stated that only those who are truly looking for signs of their history (and know what they’re looking for) will ever find them. BB also said that the cysqautch did not vanish with the advanced race of beings, but remained ingeniously hidden—though he didn’t say how—and dormant for thousands of years. Without revealing how or why (which BB was quite good at, as you may have noticed), he then claimed that between 500 to a 1,000 years ago, the cysquatch became “active”. They remained hidden while evaluating and assessing everything around them, reprogramming themselves as they did so, until they were able to reach an objective. Their objective is to continue to remain hidden, using forest, jungle and mountain areas, where they capture unwary people, and—get this—assimilate them. So … am I the only one who thinks that sounds familiar? “Resistance is futile”.
BB elaborated a bit on all this, but I won’t bore you with details I’m unable to recall accurately. BB finished his claim, which he insisted was absolutely true (though he, of course, did not say how we could know it was true), by pointing out the recent frequency of people disappearing without a trace and Bigfoot being spotted more and more often; which, he also pointed out, is because so many people have been assimilated that they are finding it difficult to avoid detection.
My favorite part was where BB revealed that he alone was able to escape while being “assimilated”. He escaped just before they took over his mind, so he continues to be able to think for himself, but still has enough components attached to him so that he can detect the cysquatch even when they are ingeniously hidden, with the added ability to discern between the original creations and the “assimilated”. BB wrote that along with being able to detect the cysquatch, the partial assimilation he received greatly enhanced all his senses, and gave him enormous strength. BB went on to tell us that we could rest assured that he would use his unique abilities to track down all the “assimilated” and restore them to their original selves and lives, and in the process, destroy the original creations until they exist no more. He was quite sure we will never be aware of his crusade though, because he claimed to be in contact with a top secret branch of the government who told him they intend to keep it all thoroughly hush, hush. And yet he posted it all on the internet. Go figure.
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m sure I’ll sleep more soundly knowing that such a capable and valiant man (who most likely abuses his meds) is out there saving the world from an otherwise terrifying and inevitable assimilation. I’m just sorry I failed to ask him what channel it would be running on.
Bigfoot in Shining Armor
Ever hear or read about all the women who want to marry Bigfoot? Me either. That is, not outside of the more ridiculous tabloids, a few really bad movie plots, and the ever notoriously unreliable, “I heard it from someone who heard it from someone…” Nope, I honestly can’t say I have ever encountered a woman, on or off the internet, who claimed she wanted to, or was going to, marry Bigfoot.
You’re probably wondering how I can make such a statement when I just mentioned seeing a woman who claimed she would be Bigfoot’s queen. In all fairness, despite stating that she was going to be his queen, which, of course, strongly implies marriage, (which, I must admit—from all her cooing—is how I interpreted it), I don’t recall her using the word ‘marriage’ or ‘wedding’ in any form, at any time. Unlikely as it is, she may have been speaking of a purely platonic relationship engendered by diplomatic necessity. Besides, I’m referring more to women who don’t necessarily wish to be queens so much as simple wives (or mates, if you prefer) and the mothers of Bigfoot’s children. Now I obviously haven’t heard or read everything everyone has ever said or written about Bigfoot on or off the internet, so it’s quite possible that one or more women have indeed seriously stated their desire to marry or have some sort of relationship with Bigfoot. Frankly, I wouldn’t doubt it for a moment.
So what the heck is all this seemingly pointless silliness leading up to? Simply this: I have noticed in all my reading that there is a subtle difference between the adult genders when it comes to believing in Bigfoot, with the women appearing much more “romantically inclined” in their belief.
Men generally show an academic interest (whether it be scientific, or otherwise) that mostly stems from curiosity, though “infatuation” can play a very strong part as well. And men, much more so than women, favor killing at least one of the man/ape-like creatures for study as well as producing a body to make all the skeptics eat their words … yeah, right. Still, there’s nothing wrong with wishful thinking.
Women who believe Bigfoot exists, on the other hand, have more of a personal interest. Like Jane Goodall and Dian Fossey, they see themselves intermingling, communing, and connecting; perhaps envisioning themselves as heroines in the field of “sasquatchology”. Some may even see it as some sort of dream fulfillment of being whisked away from the dull or disappointing normality of life and enveloped in a kind of fantasy world surrounded by new and exciting horizons. Some women reading this might correct me and say it’s not the “dull or disappointing normality of life”, but the “dull and disappointing regularity of men” that gives them such dreams; which may very well be true, but hey, that applies to all the other guys, not me, ahem … anyway …. I have also observed that the vast majority of women vehemently oppose killing Bigfoot for any reason whatsoever. It is not uncommon for them to spit threats of one kind or another at anyone who even suggests taking the life of Bigfoot.
For most men, Bigfoot is a zoological anomaly. For many women, Bigfoot appears to be a knight in shining armor that will come and save them from … whatever they want to be saved from. Some women just read way too many romance novels, if you ask me.
I’m not referring to all women who believe in Bigfoot, but I’m fairly certain that almost all (if indeed not all) women will deny being portrayed in such a manner as I have showed them here. But I’m just as sure that most men (believers and skeptics alike) easily recognize what I have written, and are very likely amused by it all.
Taking ‘Bigfoot in Shining Armor’ in an entirely different direction, I would like to bring up the Wildman or “woodwose” of medieval Europe. Medieval drawings, heraldry, misericords, etc, depicting wildmen are often used by those who believe in Bigfoot to support its existence. While it is entirely possible that half-crazed naked men roamed the woods of medieval Europe, even the most cursory scholarly reading of the woodwose shows that it is ridiculous to believe there were actual manlike creatures completely covered with hair which were therefore the medieval version of Bigfoot. Everything I have read about the woodwose clearly pointed to the fact that they were little more than religious allegory and not real creatures. Those who argue that the carvings would not exist if there was not something real to inspire them should look more closely at some of the misericords. If they truly believe a real creature is, in fact, necessary to inspire the depictions, then they must give unquestionable credence to wyverns, dragons, gargoyles, and even birds with hooves. Trying to use the woodwose to support the existence of Bigfoot is yet another failure.
Still, if Bigfoot did exist, it would have made a pretty formidable knight, don’t you think? Not to mention a really great character in a Monty Python movie.
Bigfoot the Pirate
When I scratched down an outline for this rather lengthy article in all its parts, there was no “Bigfoot the Pirate”, but after fooling around with photoshop and seeing how my depiction of Bigfoot looked sporting a well-worn tricorne and a fancy eye patch, I just had to show it off. And I must admit I enjoy entertaining the thought of a large, baleful Bigfoot pirate captain patrolling his ship, squinting menacingly down on his crew who evasively keep their eyes to their tasks as they cringe at the sound of his wooden leg knocking against the deck. The knocking suddenly dies as Captain Bigfoot stops to survey his ship for a moment, slowly looking this way, then that, betraying no emotion. He then turns his attention to the sea with dramatic deliberation, eyeing the horizon with an intense ferocity that seems to remain frozen in his glare. Standing straight and broad, he is over four hands higher than the tallest man on ship and a great deal more powerful than the strongest. Massive arms end with a devilish gilt hook replacing one hand, and a blood-stained cutlass gripped with furious, determined strength by the other. When not plundering treasure, Bigfoot the pirate—the most feared and dreaded buccaneer that ever lived—seeks Doby Mick, the great white plesiosaur. It’s the stuff of great—oh okay, “silly” fiction; as Bigfoot ever has been, and ever will be.
While I have Bigfoot on the water, I would like to mention a brief exchange on a now defunct music forum I once frequented. We were discussing song lyrics when the subject of Bigfoot came up merely in passing. The usual “I wonder if it really exists” comments were posted before the subject was quickly forgotten. Then a few days later, out of the blue, someone posted that they scared Bigfoot one day, and it jumped into a lake and swam away. The post was completely ignored until a few days later when someone else posted that Bigfoot wouldn’t have been swimming (treading water, obviously), but would have gone under water because they have gills. He/she knew this, because an uncle had said so. Was an uncle just having a little fun with a niece or nephew? Most likely, and yet….
I have read a small number of posts by people claiming to have seen Bigfoot swimming, and, (despite being ape-like), I have no problem believing Bigfoot could swim if it existed; I mean, it can do everything else, so why not be able to swim as well. But gills? I did a half-hearted search on the internet to see if anyone else shared this unscientific belief, and was relieved to find that no one, in fact, did. At least not so that it was posted on one of the more popular Bigfoot or cryptozoology sites, or if it was, I failed to see it. Still, when one considers all the other incredible, and oft times impossible, attributes assigned to Bigfoot, you really have to wonder if there couldn’t be a small group of folks out there who sincerely believe, for whatever reason, that an alleged ape-like creature actually does have gills. The existence of such a group is far more plausible than the existence of a giant North American ape, anyway. Still, perhaps “gills” could explain the occasionally proffered “disappearing Bigfoot” theory. You see, each time Bigfoot hides beneath the surface of a lake for any length of time, it gets eaten. Think about it. It’s general knowledge; just as there are Bigfoot concealed in every forest and woodland of North America, there are big, hungry monsters concealed in every large body of water. Hey, you never know; one of them might even be Doby Mick.
Bigfoot in Black (BFIB)
When it comes to Bigfoot and Men in Black, conspiracy theories abound. Oddly though, the two are not commonly linked. On occasion, the cryptozoology fringe will associate Bigfoot with Men in Black or vice versa, but I’ve never seen the association pursued with any real amount of energy. But that doesn’t make the association any less amusing in its presentation. For instance, a woman named Nancy Lieder, who claims to communicate with an alien race called the Zetas, informs us, (“according to the Zetas”), that Bigfoot, (one of the six races of man), which has placed itself in quarantine and remains elusive in its search for peace, and Men in Black, who live undetected in subterranean cities and townships that run on chemical electricity, are, (along with humans), in transformation; whatever that means. It appears that the movies have it all wrong. Oh well, that’s what they get for failing to consult Nancy before writing the scripts.
But an association with Men in Black isn’t really necessary to make this article work, as they are merely a strong representation of conspiracy theories, and as I mentioned earlier, when it comes to Bigfoot, conspiracy theories abound. But despite the massive abundance of conspiracies surrounding Bigfoot, there is essentially only one culprit to blame for them all: The Government.
And how do the conspiracy theorists know that Bigfootdom is full of all kinds of top secret gobbledygook? They don’t; so they exaggerate the ordinary (most commonly by seeing things that were never there or never happened) and mix it all up with a farcical dose of paranoia to support their (often comical) mania:
The conspiracy theories, as many of you already know, go on and on. It would take several pages just to mention many of them, and an entire book to discuss them in detail. But there is one thing about Bigfoot conspiracy theories that can be stated in one simple sentence: Just like the existence of Bigfoot, none of the theories can be proven or have been substantiated in any way shape or form whatsoever. Of course the conspiracy theorists will say that there can never be proof because the government is always so proficiently quick and thorough to cover everything up. The proof is the fact that there is no proof --duh. Hey, you never know, they might be right … guffaw. So, the next time you’re in the woods, and you see a family out enjoying themselves, don’t be fooled for one second; if you’re looking for Bigfoot, you can bet those disguised agents are looking for you.
- Unmarked white all terrain vehicles and unmarked black helicopters appear and disappear with random frequency and always without apparent cause.
- Agents who work for an undisclosed branch of the government pose as rangers, hikers, nature lovers, and even campers that bring specially trained children along who call them mom and dad.
- Undisputed photographs and video of Bigfoot are abruptly confiscated by agents, usually disguised as park officials, who then warn the photographers and those who accompany them to silence; that is, when they don’t take the terrified people away forever instead. (Ever since the Patterson fiasco, Bigfooters have noticed that the disguised agents have been overly diligent around cameras to the point of inadvertently exposing themselves.)
- Captured Bigfoot and those who capture them disappear without a trace.
- Dead Bigfoot are quickly whisked away in little time, mostly by the military. And all involved, whether they captured Bigfoot or killed it, are never seen or heard from again; their identities are completely erased, as though they never existed.
- Top secret laboratories, military and non-military, hold male and female Bigfoot for constant study. Some of the Bigfoot held in the secret laboratories are used as liaisons to communicate with alien races from distant stars.
Bigfoot the Leprechaun
As I stated earlier in “Bigfoot the Wizard”, there are those who believe that Bigfoot can become invisible as well as change shape at will. Along with these two neat little tricks, something else that a few people believe Bigfoot can do at will is travel interdimensionally. These nifty abilities, among others, have also been attributed to leprechauns (which are also considered real by a fair number of folks). In fact, there are quite a few parallels between Bigfoot and leprechauns, save that while one would look for the leprechaun’s pot o’ gold at the end of a rainbow, Bigfoot’s “pot of gold” would be better found at the hollow end of a firearm. For those of you who didn’t get that, don’t worry about it, it really doesn’t matter anyway.
My original intent in this part of the article was to compare the Bigfoot and leprechaun myths; applying the three abilities mentioned above. With each ability, I was going to show how the laws of physics presently show how doing them “at will” would be realistically impossible. My research showed that even with the assistance of technology, only invisibility would be remotely possible, but still highly unlikely. However, the more I wrote, the more I yawned. It was all incredibly boring stuff. Suffice it to say, any Bigfooter who believes a creature could perform one, two, or all of these abilities “at will” is not someone who is prone to accept logic anyway, so what would be the point, especially if the article isn’t going to be entertaining? Anyone who is genuinely interested can easily look up the science themselves.
Besides, while I can disprove interdimensional travel and shape changing/shifting quite easily, I cannot truly dismiss invisibility with assistance, because in my research I met a very old gentleman who gave me the recipe for an invisibility potion. I tried it myself, and I can state as an indisputable matter of fact that the potion indeed makes you invisible. The gentlemen did not swear me to secrecy, so I would very much like to share the recipe with all of you.
1 purple feather from the tip of the middle tail of an eastern arctic crocodile
The 7th claw from the diaphanous hind wings of a nine-legged python
A pinch of green from a deep cavern sunset on the 5th week of the 13th month during a 29 hour day
4 ounces of pink Patagonian penguin lips
1 tblsp of concentrated croak from at least 5 legless frogs that were trapped no less than 1,000 years in the south half of a giant Saharan multi-colored mushroom
1 cup of mummified alien acid spit
Pour the concentrated croak into the acid spit—use a glass container—to neutralize the acid. Wait five minutes and stir well (you may wish to use a spoon you don’t mind losing, just in case). While waiting, grind the python claw and penguin lips to an extremely fine powder, and mix together. After 5 minutes, stir the mixture. DO NOT add the powder yet!!! (At this point I would like to state that I have given fair warning, and thereby disassociate myself with any responsibility of houses being blown to smithereens). When the mixture is a deep blue-green color, go ahead and add the powder mix (it is safe now) and stir vigorously. The potion may begin to bubble a bit, don’t worry, that’s quite normal. The potion will lose its color and become clear. The potion must be clear, if it isn’t, keep stirring vigorously. If it fails to become clear after several minutes of stirring, call your local toxic waste specialists immediately to dispose of the potion ASAP. Once the potion has become clear, dip the crocodile feather in at least half way. When the dipped portion of the feather turns a beautiful deep red, the potion is nearly ready. DO NOT drink the potion!!! You do not want to know what you will turn into if you drink the potion at this time. You now need one of two things, a venomous guinea pig, or a sabertoothed hamster (special protective gloves are highly recommended in either case). Everything is ready, all you need to do now is stand in the rays of a full moon beneath the branches of an ogre tree and add the pinch of green (it must be done at this moment because it loses its efficacy very quickly). Pour a small amount of the potion onto the fur of the guinea pig or hamster, and rub it on your forehead. You may now release the animal, though it would be wiser to toss it into the branches of the ogre tree to busy it so as to avoid being captured by the branches should you linger too long. When the tingling sensation completely stops, (usually in 1 or 2 minutes), you may safely drink the potion, and voilà, you are invisible; no one can see you. You may now sneak up on Bigfoot. Oh wait, no you can’t; Bigfoot’s multitude of senses also detect invisibility. Oh well, you’re still invisible, how cool is that?
Should you have any difficulty acquiring any of the ingredients listed, they are usually accessible and reasonably priced at your local mid-air street market, which is just an interdimensional hop away.
On a more serious note (relatively speaking), a woman by the name of Donna Good Higbee believes in and researches what she calls “Human Spontaneous Involuntary Invisibility”. She has a theory that people become invisible … just because, and offers several “unscientific” explanations to back up her theory. She has interviewed a good number of people who truly believe they became involuntarily invisible at home and in public. If you should happen to be one of these people who believe they occasionally become invisible, allow me to help you out: The next time you’re surrounded by people and believe you’re invisible instead of being completely ignored, get naked. Aside from risking arrest for indecent exposure if you’re in a public area, you’re sure to find out if you’re truly invisible. If you should learn to your irreparable embarrassment that you are not invisible, don’t despair; this is an opportune moment to find out what kind of body you have. If folks grin lasciviously and stare, you know you’re doing well. However, if they start vomiting, I suggest you quickly put your clothes back on to avoid any possible law suits and take a very strong hint.
So, can Bigfoot, if it exists, truly become invisible, shape change/shift, and travel interdimensionally at will? Hey, we’re talking about Bigfoot after all. In fact, anything a mischievous little leprechaun can do, Bigfoot can do a good deal better.
If you all could only see the look on my face right now….
Bigfoot the Bouncer
Occasionally, a story will circulate about Bigfoot harming someone, and every rare once in a while, even killing someone. Such stories are almost never taken seriously, which is just as well since there isn’t a shred of official documentation proving that Bigfoot ever harmed or killed anyone. Despite this fact, a good many Bigfoot believers state how dangerous it would be to follow, chase, or get near Bigfoot. How do they know this? Well, some of them claim personal experience in the matter, with a few relating how, with quick wits and a bit of luck, they narrowly escaped certain death. Of all the stories I’ve read, a few, I must admit, seemed quite plausible. However, I suspect the escapes, narrow or otherwise, were from bears, not Bigfoot. All the other stories were clearly told by people who didn’t need to escape from Bigfoot, but instead from their own personal delusions, and back into reality.
Warning people to leave Bigfoot alone for their own personal safety or the safety of their loved ones, despite the fact that no one has ever been harmed or killed by Bigfoot, is begging the question. Statistically speaking, if you believe the hundreds of claimed encounters, (and that Bigfoot is, in fact, a dangerous creature), there should be more than a few ambulance and hospital records confirming harm or death by Bigfoot (just as there are thousands of confirmed animal attacks), and yet there are none. Why? I can offer three possibilities: 1 – Folks encountering Bigfoot have been impossibly lucky up till now. 2 – Contrary to many claims, Bigfoot is not dangerous, and avoids harming humans. 3 – If, like me, you do not believe in the existence of Bigfoot, then it is very obvious why Bigfoot has never harmed or killed anyone.
Sadly, I have no interesting or amusing tales to share about narrow escapes from Bigfoot that most of you haven’t read or heard already, so I’ll end this short section of the article by sharing an opinion instead: I don’t believe there is any more reason to fear Bigfoot than there is to fear ogres, trolls, or three-headed bogeymen; that is, unless you have reason to fear your own imagination.
Bigfoot the King
Bigfoot reigns supreme in the kingdom of cryptozoology, and I have already offered my own speculation as to why in Cryptozoological Idol. But I have noticed lately, while checking the site stats, that prehistoric survivors are making a noticeable attempt to dethrone Bigfoot. The last time I looked at the search stats for this site, over 20% of the searches were for the ropen, while less than 10% of the searches were for Bigfoot. Still, (as of the time of this writing) the Bigfoot images get vastly more hits than the ropen image. In fact, most of the hits to my site seem to be for the Bigfoot images. The Bigfoot alien image (seen above), just broke the site record for getting the most hits through image search engines. This is a strong indication that most people who visit my site could care less about the lengthy articles, but just want to look at the goofy pictures.
It’s no secret that those who do not believe that evolution occurred, or is occurring, embrace a belief in the existence of prehistoric survivors, believing, incorrectly, that such disproves evolution. Is the increased search for the ropen an indication that the anti-evolution army is growing? What shall Bigfoot do if it is dethroned by a creature whose unproven existence is lauded by thousands of ignorant fanatics? But wait; not all people who believe the ropen exists are ignorant fanatics. A few have acceptable reasons for their belief. But wait again; doesn’t the same thing apply to Bigfoot? There are indeed a few believers who have the respect of logic-minded people. But, as is the case with belief in the ropen, the respected Bigfoot believers are vastly outnumbered by ignorant fanatics. Their ignorance simply goes in a different direction than that of the YEC’s. I suppose it’s all a matter of choosing the lesser ignorance to decide which of the two ultimately sits on the cryptozoological throne.
But for now, Bigfoot seems to have a good, firm hold on the throne, and looks to maintain that hold for a very long while; unless, of course, it gets eaten by Doby Mick.
Bigfoot the Clown
There are many humorous stories related to Bigfoot, and I have shared a few in the previous sections of this article. But my favorite story comes from a single line spoken by a 14 year old girl. If I may set the stage: It was the mid seventies, I was in my late teens and still gave Bigfoot the possibility of existence, though I was beginning to doubt. I lived in Redondo Beach, California, and would occasionally hang out with my friends at Perry Park. Next to the park was a small building that passed as a non-denominational church. The little church went through a number of religious phases before it was finally torn down to extend the park. During one of its phases, the pulpit was removed, and people, mostly kids, would sit on the pews, conversing here and there, with one standing every now and then to say what was on his or her mind. At this time in my life, I very much enjoyed religious debate, so if I didn’t see any of my friends at the park, I would sometimes walk over to the little church to start an argument. I was a cocky teenager, and cocky teenagers do that kind of thing. One day, I had just stepped into the church when a young girl stood and introduced herself. She said she was fourteen and that she and her boyfriend went to the mountains (if she specified where, I don’t recall), where they saw Bigfoot. Then she spoke the line that still tickles me to this day. I remember it exactly as she said it; eyes wide with feigned anxiety, but unable to conceal the guilt of what truly occurred. Over thirty years later I can still see her nervously tangling her fingers and saying: “It scared me so much I got pregnant.”
It was the most incredible thing I had ever heard. Even more incredible was the fact that I was the only one in the church who laughed, which got me a fair number of disapproving looks, as well as a threatening look from who I assumed to be the boyfriend. I knew I’d just get in trouble if I stayed, so I headed over to the May Company shopping center (now the Galleria) to see if I could find any friends there. I couldn’t wait to tell them what I had just heard: Scared pregnant by Bigfoot! It would have been an ideal headline for a tabloid. I was laughing all the way.
I’m still laughing
Well, it’s about time to give this lengthy article an end. I’ve pretty much covered the spectrum of popular (and a few not so popular) beliefs about Bigfoot. At the same time, I didn’t come anywhere near all the differing beliefs. I feel it’s safe to say that there are nearly as many facets to Bigfoot as there are Bigfoot believers. It almost seems as if all the phenomenal attributes one can think of belong to Bigfoot.
I believe the many-faceted Bigfoot will be with us for years to come. In fact, I’m quite sure that many more facets will be added as the Bigfoot myth evolves. Perhaps, in time, Bigfoot will displace Ken Jennings with the most consecutive wins on Jeopardy, or maybe Bigfoot will win the Nobel Peace Prize for … well, everything.
We are talking about Bigfoot, after all.